How to start your own play party
by Count Boogie and Perverted Podcast
It is no mystery that an incredible tool for learning how to experience kinky play in a Safer, Sane and Consensual way is
by being in a positive environment of kinksters playing together.
It is where you can learn skills, safety, and be inspired by play and levels of connection you never even considered.
Hopefully also a place where you can feel safer playing with new people you don't know well, as opposed to meeting them
alone after only talking to them online.
Many areas have no public BDSM/kink facility that you can play and learn at.
Either legal, zoning, insurance, religious or other external obstacles that make it impossible
to have a public play space.
Part of community building is taking the risk to build a safe space to play for individuals that are willing to be respectful
and follow the rules and guidelines of whatever place they have the event at.
This usually means private house play parties or a party in a rented space.
If a private party is managed well it can be an absolutely amazing outlet for meeting and playing
with like minded kinksters.
Over the years Kathy, Abyss and I have together hosted, and or helped lead literally hundreds of BDSM play parties.
The only difference between the larger public parties that we host and private house parties is the amount of attention
needed to pre screen your guests, managing your curious/paranoid neighbors and making sure your guests respect your home and neighborhood.
So hopefully you're going to get a lot of useful information from us to help you decide if you are willing to take on this wonderful responsibility or be a part of a team that builds their own party.
What we're writing is not law. You can make your own choices for your own party.
This is just what we have had work for us, and the crazy stuff that can go wrong when people get together.
We are going to share every possible risk and scenario of doom we can, so that you can be aware of what you are considering getting into.
MOST of these scenarios will never occur and surely even more rare if you take that extra time and do the groundwork to
make sure your party is as safe as it can be.
We are going to mostly talk about house parties, but know the same insights can apply to renting a space,
if you can find someone willing to let you have a kinky play party at their venue.
For your party you will Need:
* A place...like a private warehouse, home, apartment or other space that you can host people and allow
a reasonable amount of noise (spanking, moaning, whipping) to occur without being shut down by the police or traumatizing your neighbor's dog.
* A small team of friends that can help you organize, promote, screen individuals, set up and facilitate your play party.
* A desire to have a great play party!! Intention is everything in our lifestyle.
Your Team's duties:
Who will get the food, set up and tear down the party?
Who will collect the email addresses, manage the online groups and answer questions ahead of the party?
Who will pre-screen new people and or create the rules list that the new people must read and agree to
before attending your party?
Who will enforce the rules at your party and take responsibility for asking people to leave if needed?
If you are going to teach a basic orientation for new people before they can play (recommended),
who's going to teach it and someone to create the rules to teach.
Personality of party host.
A party host needs to be welcoming, mature, ethical and be willing to be an enforcer of the rules of the party.
If you are passive and unassertive, or have great difficulty confronting people, you will need to make sure
that you have help from others on your party team that are ok with enforcing the rules.
The host is there to answer questions and hopefully be an encourager of people who are new to the kink/BDSM lifestyle.
Hopefully the host will have links and resources put together to help new people get a broad spectrum of information which will also make them more aware and respectful party goers.
This is really one of biggies of whether or not you will be able to keep your private play party going on a regular basis.
Your neighbors can be your tolerant friends or the people that will group together with torches and pitchforks to stop your party like you were a horror film monster.
So, how you interact with them is critical.
Compassion is key!
People take ownership of their territory.
If you are bringing people into their territory that they don't know, trust or hate what they represent,
you will have conflict.
Neighborhoods have kids, and kinky play/sex is something that parents SHOULD want to protect their children from being exposed to.
So, having a level of compassion for people trying to protect their kids (even if it makes having your party more difficult)
is honorable and will help you understand their point of view.
You can fight for your right to have your sexual freedom expressed in your own home, but just know...society has not embraced BDSM and kink,
so outside of the kink community, you have few allies and many conservative enemies.
So, it's likely you will lose if you try to go up against them.
Let's do our best to not have to have that battle...OK?
When to talk to your neighbors about your party?
"Less is more" applies greatly here.
The only time you need to talk to your neighbors about your party is when they ask questions or one of your guests
does something stupid outside your house, or gets so loud in the party that the neighbors hear.
Be vague with them when you talk to them.
Don't tell them it's a kinky play and loose depraved drunk fuck fest.
Tell them it's an "Adult role play" group.
The more details you give them, the more it can spin their head and usually not in a good way.
Make it sound boring and uninteresting if you can.
The main thing to do is leave the conversation with the neighbor feeling that there is no risk to their territory.
Setting your rules:
If your rules are strict...they will push against them.
If your rules are loose...they will STILL push against them.
So the guide is this...Always set your rules to what makes YOU comfortable, and make your guests play at your level.
It's your damn house...they can start their own party.
If you are consistent, the regular guests will help educate your new guests.
Rules are the things that set the pace of the party environment.
Rules are the boundaries that keep people out of your party that don't give a fuck about rules, or anybody else
at the party but themselves.
The type of people that grumble that your party has too many rules are exactly the people you don't want at your party.
They are high risk for harming someone, and or ignoring consent.
Most people (especially women) feel much more comfortable walking into a house or venue that has a reputation
of having enforced rules in place for their protection.
I cannot count how many times I've had people come up to me an tell me they are specifically at our parties
BECAUSE we have rules and Dungeon Monitors in place that enforce the rules.
Everything you allow has a certain amount of extra risk that goes with it.
Plan ahead for what can go bad and ask yourself if that is worth the risk to you.
Dress code to and from your door in your neighborhood.
NO non-kinky neighbor wants to see or have their children see scantly dressed perverts walking
down their street dragging toy bags with dildos, chains, canes and floggers hanging out.
The will likely protest, call the police or contact your local government to make you stop.
Make sure that your guests know to arrive in normal street clothes and leave in normal street clothes
with no ominous looking kink toys hanging out of their bag.
Some people will have and extra backpack with some fetish clothing to change into when they arrive.
"Screams of passion are NOT always in fashion."
If you are going to have a play party at a house in a neighborhood that has other homes near by,
ALL of your guests need to know that they have to keep their screams, muffled, gagged or minimized.
Because if you think your neighbors are going to be cool with their kids coming into their bedroom at 1am
saying they are hearing weird noises from the house next door...you are living in a unicorn fairy tale.
Noises and screams are wonderful, sexy and free, but the reality is the cops will be called eventually and at the least your neighbor will come to complain.
Some people are really loud when they play and some even think that's how you are supposed to be, so they
scream louder to draw attention to themselves.
Let your guests know ahead of time that you will have to interrupt their scene if it gets too loud and if they need to they can scream into a towel, pillow or bite their own hand.
NOTE: If they are gagged, it will mean they can't speak their safeword and the party monitor will need to know what indicates the safeword.
Sexy super sex and fucking and stuff!
Ok...this is your call and no one elses.
If you want to have a sexual environment in your place that is awesome, but with great fucky, cums great responsibility.
Having sex at your party means an automatic built in risk of sexual assault, non-consensual boundary pushing,
STD's, buyers remorse drama etc.
Allowing sex (intercourse, anal, vaginal, oral) means you have to impress upon your guests all
the obvious safety, consent and clean up after your drippy squirty self type rules before they start playing.
Also, if you want to be geared towards welcoming new people, many of them feel very uncomfortable walking
into a new place and right through the door, people are making whoopie all up in their faces.
So a way around this is to restrict sex to certain areas away from the entrance to the party.
This is also a good idea if the cops come in.
You can have varying levels of sexuality like...fingers, toys and mutual masturbation is ok, but
no mouth to genital or genital to genital contact allowed.
NOTE: "No mouth to genital or genital to genital" is the rule at most of our dungeon parties and people
are happy to attend those parties.
Ok...it's time to put on the big kid pants.
If there is an assault or a rape in your home...put the victim in a safe place and
CALL THE FUCKING POLICE!
If you cannot take the risk of having the police at your place in order to protect your party
guests...YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE A PARTY.
Your number #1 priority should be the safety and protection of your guests.
There is ZERO point to having a community if we cannot stand up against consent violations and rape.
If we do not protect, or worse, shame and rape culture victims into silence because we "Don't want any trouble"
then we are liars who only SAY that we care about Safer Sane and Consensual play, but in fact...do not.
Play this scenario over and over in your head, and if you don't see yourself able to stand up for victims, you
know that hosting a party is not for you.
If you are going to charge people to get into your party, make sure you understand the legality of that locally.
If you are not zoned for that, then you will want to figure out other ways to accept donations and not be
popped for prostitution.
Without consent it's rape. Without consent it's assault and battery. Without consent you are begging for a shit storm of problems in your life.
The more you make your guests feel that they always have a choice and a voice to say NO if they don't like
what's going on, the more comfortable they will feel about being at your party.
If your guests are confident that someone has to leave them alone once they say NO, that will build
a great reputation for your party, and the sociopaths and creepers will be more likely to stay away.
Make sure that all your guests fully understand that consent is the number one rule.
Where saying "stop" doesn't mean stop, and "no" doesn't mean no.
Totally hot, but it can create massive problems if your guests just do it without letting you know.
Any edge play or CNC scenes should be explained to the party host or Party Monitor prior to playing, so
that you can...
A: Know that it's not assault
B: Establish when it IS assault or has gone too far.
C: Calmly handle when your new to the lifestyle guests freak out, you can explain to them
what is happening without being caught off guard yourself.
Do you homework on your local laws regarding sexual contact and kinky play,
because consent is not a legal defense in everywhere in the world.
Most kinky people have something to lose if it comes out that they are kinky.
Exposed cell phones, picture taking, and video all have to be something you consider in your rules.
At the very least make sure your guests know what those rules are, otherwise they will make up their
own rules and maybe make people at your party uncomfortable.
Or, people will simply not show up, because they feel the risk is to great of them being exposed outside of the party.
Educate your attendees not to share email addresses and other contact information of other members of the group until
they get permission from the person first.
This can start huge drama and really hurt people.
"If it's not your information, it's not your information to give."
Also it's really important to educate your party guests about etiquette OUTSIDE the party
(seeing someone at the store, online etc.)
Tell them NOT to approach people in public that you know from a kink event and to just pretend
they never met them before.
This is called "Outing" someone and can lead to horrible consequences (lost job, family, custody etc.)
Most of the time this is an innocent mistake, but the damage is the same.
If you don't tell them to clean up...many won't. People are sheep and pigs...lol
Have cleaning supplies available and if you are going to allow sex it is ok to require your
guest to bring their own sheets/blankets to put down under themselves while they do the animal dance.
Types of play:
You have to picture every toy that might be used and think of what can cause damage or danger to your house.
Perhaps cracking an 8 foot bullwhip in your living room might not work.
Maybe no flogging in the kitchen next to your nice china and no fireplay in the bedroom.
Do you want waxplay or bloodplay on your new carpet?
Make a detailed list of the toys you allow and don't allow at your party.
Certain things may be flexible if they check in with you first, so you can have control over the risk to your home.
Alcohol and drugs:
You are an adult and you can run your party how you wish, but we would not be responsible if we
skipped over the fact that you cannot be truly safer sane and consensual while under the influence
of drugs and alcohol.
All statistics of medical emergencies and or deaths that occurred during BDSM play have an overwhelming
percentage of drug and alcohol use involved in those cases.
The chances of Non-consensual grabbing, groping and or other types of assaults also increase
when drugs and alcohol are used in a sexual/sensual environment.
If people are responsible with their consumption then you are usually ok, but how do you police
the people that come to your party and drink or drug too much?
It's usually not a matter of "If" someone gets too drunk or high...it's a matter of "When" it's going to happen.
Once again...your party...your risk...end of sermon.
If you allow people to close doors in your house to have sex or play privately
A: You have people alone with your property in a closed room that they can more easily steal.
B: You have a greater potential for an assault or non-consensual act occurring in your home.
Your call...but I wouldn't do it unless I knew the people really well.
Print out your rules and tape them up in every room you allow play in and make sure
all your play monitors know your rules thoroughly.
This is the word that means STOP what you are doing now.
You will need to establish a party safeword that all your guests know and are encouraged to use when they need to.
In our community the word "Red" is our known safeword.
When the safeword is called by someone all activity must stop immediately.
At that point only the person who called "Red" is allowed to decide if the scene will continue.
When you hear this called at the party it is your job to make sure that the Top has stopped what
they are doing and that they are not pressuring or guilting the bottom to continue, because at that point
consent turns into coercion and that is assault.
If gagged your options are:
* Have them hold a handkerchief, shirt etc. in their hand and them dropping it indicates they want you to stop.
* 3 grunts...Unh Uhn Uhn! quickly in a row can be made with a ball gag in that indicates they want you to stop.
Note: This is why you should keep the background music low, so that you can hear when your guests call out the safeword.
Some hosts will teach a brief, mandatory orientation class before play is allowed to start at every party,
so that everyone present is aware of the rules and can't pretend they didn't know.
Dungeon / Party Monitors:
This is the individual (s) who's job it is to watch the guests and make sure that everyone is having as much
fun as possible without harming each other or violating consent.
It is only the Party Monitors job to intervene when the guests are breaking a rule that is dangerous to them or the house.
Party Monitors should have a pre set plan of action for scenarios of medical emergency, assault, and creeper control.
Some people don't like Party Monitors around when they play...but I've found that most really do.
As long as the Party Monitor has an even tempered ability to communicate with the guests, people like
having them there.
How to get a creeper / asshole out of your house
If you set up in advanced the behaviors that are not allowed and make sure that everyone understands those rules,
it is much easier to kick someone out of your party for breaking them.
This is very important to establish at your party, because there will always be the occasional sociopath
that doesn't care about you or your home, or someone who just doesn't know how to act socially.
This individual, if allowed to stay can suck the life out of your party, depending how bad they get.
People may actually leave or refuse to return to your party in the future over certain people that go to the party.
You the host have to decide if it's worth an empty party to keep someone there that make people feel uncomfortable.
I've seen this multiple times and had "the talk" with numerous creepers.
If you can educate the person and they show signs that they will work to change their behavior, then
it might work out that they can learn and be a positive contributor to your event.
We were all new once, and there is a BIG difference between ignorance and stupidity or apathy.
But, some people just need to get the fuck out of your house and stay out.
Have a plan for confronting and asking someone to leave if they act inappropriate or unsafe.
You can ask some of your other party goers to be on the security team of the party in case you need to
ask someone to leave ahead of time so no one is caught off guard if a situation arises or escalates.
Be calm and yet firm, If you want someone to leave then just say "It's time for you to leave".
You are not under obligation to argue with them and it will prolong your desired outcome.
You have the right to only give the answer "It's time for you to leave"
If they don't leave right away then let them know you will call the police and have them removed.
If they still won't leave, let your party guests know that you are calling the police and that they need to stop playing and put all their toys away.
I have actually never personally heard of a story where someone was asked to leave a private party and
refused. Most people will just grumble and walk out, but once again...have a plan.
You are responsible for the safety and well being of your guests in your home.
If someone injures or is assaulted in your home, they could seek compensation from you
and courts are usually not going to be very friendly to the person who allowed this to happen
in their home, so do your best to make sure your house or space is in good working order
and that you can prove that everyone who came to your place knew what types of activities
were going to go on at your event.
Once again...You are responsible to know your local laws in regard to the activities you are going to have
at your event.
There is nothing wrong with writing up a waiver and have all of your guests sign it before attending your party.
In the waiver you will have the rules for your party and expectations of etiquette.
If you want a special card or membership card or something that shows they have already been to your party and
understand the rules so they don't have to sign every time, that is still effective.
Party Waivers are not legally binding documents in most courts, but they do show that you were
responsible about having rules and that your guests agreed to follow them.
Singing a waiver also helps you limit arguments about rules if someone is breaking them.
They signed the damn waiver. They can't pretend they didn't know the rules.
Ok...if you've read this far...congratulations you now know what it takes to run a party.
Some of it may seem more than the fantasy of 100% fun you had in your head, but
I've found it's worth the work to see people have an amazing time that I helped put together for them.
Extra Fun stuff to do at your party.
It's always best to make these optional and not force people to participate.
We seen a number of parties die due to a "Party Nazi" host scripting every minute
and making people participate that didn't want to.
But...it's your event, so as long as you disclose what you expect of your guest before
they show up, maybe that will work for you.
1. Cupcake or food contest
A twist to this might be having the judges taste the food off of the body of a willing bottom.
2. Spanking drum circle
Put on a tribal drum song you got off the internet and have everyone spank to it.
3. Body painting
I can't tell you how much people get into this.
4. Play-doh sculpting
At Threshold (Public Dungeon in North Hollywood CA USA) I put out Play-doh in the break room and
it is a huge ice breaker. People sculpt all sorts of cool and dirty stuff and it helps the shy people
interact with others.
Use your imagination. Most people don't take themselves too serious, so making your party fun helps
insure it's success.
Ok...I can't think of anything else.
I really hope this helps you make a more educated decision about hosting a party.
I've been doing it for years...mostly ALL for NO MONEY and still get excited every party I host.
Good luck and good kink!
Of course if you have questions please email us.
You can just go to our Contact Page
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